You have gained something which nobody else is privy to. If playing games makes you happier, go ahead and play them (but not in an excessive way). It can spur you to become better prepared — mitigating your anxiety in the long run. When you’re absolutely sure you need a … “Sometimes the worry helps because it forces you to think about contingencies and how to be ready,” says Markman. But we always focus on the few things that go wrong, rather than the things that go well. Do whatever makes you feel better. The Ritual – How to Deal With Disappointment Effectively Disappointment can be dealt with via having rituals to follow. When you are disappointed, ask yourself: “What am I getting hung up over? And there are likely more disappointments on the way. Working at Company A is just one of the many ways to achieve that. This makes negative experiences worse than they really are because we play them over and over in our heads — when they are simply natural occurrences in the universe. Okay, so you got fired. Most people are inherently good. For me, I find that a combination of activities including alone time, talking with my good friends, and watching my favorite shows uplift me considerably. Worry can also compel you to gather resources – such as social support – to help you stay resilient if the worst-case scenario comes to fruition. You got dumped. What is your underlying desire to go to point B? A certain number of fantasies about what you would do if you reached your goal can be helpful,” says Markman. In times when I feel really down, I prefer to spend time by myself. It is not the reality. Don’t lower your expectations; shorten your list of expectations. Or do you just end up wasting energy and causing yourself anxiety when you can’t know the outcome yet anyway? Zoe Kinias, an associate professor at INSEAD who studies resilience, says that you can bolster yourself by playing out the possible negative outcome. Your first step should be to bring your consciousness up to a more neutral or positive level such as desire, neutrality, willingness, or reason, so that you are in a better position to react to your situation. What am I expecting from reality that I’m not getting?” Seek out these illusions, one by one. 2. Generally, a good “gut check” can help you determine if a boundary has been crossed. Is it better to think it through ahead of time? In this part, I share how to deal with disappointments in a constructive manner. Sometimes focusing on the worst-case scenario helps. Protect yourself Avoid the highly educated relative who might tell you “all things happen for a reason” or that you somehow attracted this disappointment with the wrong thoughts. It is to be in a loving, authentic relationship with someone. And when the distraction no longer works — or I’m out of new episodes — I’m trying to remind myself that I’m worried because I care and it’s perfectly fine to be hopeful. If you are new to this series, read part 1 first. Often they feel agonizing, my mind vacillating between imagining the best possible outcome and bracing myself for the worst. “Being aware of a negative outcome can help you get your resources in a row, but you are still likely to have to go through a grieving process for anything that makes a tear in your life story,” says Markman. If it helps you imagine how you’ll survive the worst-case scenario, thinking through your disappointment “steadies the anxiety of anticipation in the moment,” she explains. They were already planning how to celebrate,” Kinias says, before the electoral college votes were counted. However, understand that your goal is a reflection of an underlying desire. But if you work hard on the steps above, they will pull you out of the void you are in. Don’t take it personally 3. As you start living past your disappointments, focus on living in alignment with your desires, instead of being fixated on your goals. As someone who is irrationally superstitious, I’ve often resisted the idea of imagining a positive outcome, thinking it will somehow curse the process. Feeling your misery in advance of the news also isn’t helpful because we aren’t very good at predicting future emotions, as extensive research from Dan Gilbert, Tim Wilson, George Loewenstein, and Daniel Kahneman has shown. Two ways to do that and to focus your attention outward is to: Help someone out. The first thing you need to do is ask if worrying really helps. Read: Part 4: My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It. As long as you are doing that, there is no reason why you should feel bad, because you have done all that you can. And then there’s point A-1, A-2, A-3, etc. it may not always be the right, or best choice, but understanding the situation always helps. I know I’m not alone. And if you have trouble quelling unhelpful, negative emotions, try distracting yourself with something fun or meditative. And then focus on doing the best you can. He/She is not going to be only person you are capable of loving; there are many people out there who can be compatible with you. Exercise. Believe it or not, entering into denial is the first step in the coping cycle. Here’s the thing: Sometimes worrying does help. One of my main coping mechanisms during these times of uncertainty is thinking through the potential disappointment. If calming your mind doesn’t seem to be work, then immediately distract yourself from your disappointment. The next step to deal with disappointment is to release yourself of your illusion of what reality should be. Actively Accept Your Feelings of Disappointment. It can make a huge difference to how you process situations that leave you feeling put out or let down. Is it better to think it through ahead of time? Anger, resentment, and sadness are common emotions to experience in the wake of disappointment. 1. I wanted to better understand how we could brace ourselves for big news so I asked two experts to weigh in. There is no reason to self-blame when things go wrong. Much of this advice might fall into the category of “easier said than done,” especially when you’re staring at your ceiling in the middle of the night. Practice acceptance. Being trapped in such a state prevents you from thinking logically. That’s why it’s hard for people to “just deal with it.” Acceptance doesn’t come first either. And even, yes, elections. As Markman says, “there’s no way to prepay your pain.” And reinforcing negative emotions can cause more pain in the leadup to and after the disappointment, explains Kinias. There is no disappointment in the present moment. You want to be with him/her, but person A does not reciprocate your feelings. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” — Friedrich Nietzsche. Company A happens to have a policy of only accepting job applications from the same person every 2 years. This alone time lets me sort out the thoughts in my mind, think without interference, and gain clarity on what to do in my situation. These are often times where my sleep suffers, and I spend the hours between 2:00 am and 4:00 am with dark thoughts about what the future might bring (not to mention all of the mistakes I’ve made along the way). There were college and grad school applications. Given the convoluted nature of desire, there are no experiences that … This is not sustainable because your goals are just external outcomes, and these are impermanent. Not even entertaining the possibility of the negative outcome can be emotionally devastating. In your mind, you continue to hang on to the perception that you should have gotten an ‘A’. Say you are at point A and you want to move to point B. If you feel at peace, you are probably okay. If you’re worried about losing your job because of the economic downturn, for example, you might get your finances in order or reach out to former colleagues who might know of job leads. We can tap into that present moment through the act of meditation. They are preventing you from constructively acting on your situation and living your life the way you should. Sign up for my newsletter to get my personal development tips and updates sent directly to your inbox: Unsubscribe whenever you want. And the goal in life isn’t to avoid all negative feelings. However, that is just an illusion that you are playing in your head. Researchers call this “affective forecasting,” and the reality is that negative events usually prove to be less intense emotionally and the bad feelings are more transient that we expect. Check out my posts on breaking out of negativity: Dealing with disappointment is definitely not an easy task. If taking a stroll along your neighborhood makes you feel relax, then get out of your house and enjoy the breeze outside. With this kind of disappointment — and even more serious ones — I suggest that there are five steps to follow: 1. Become aware of them and release them. Take a break. In part 1 on 3 Reasons Why Disappointment Is Good, I shared that one of the reasons why disappointment is good is because it represents an opportunity for growth. In other words, just because you lose one round, doesn’t mean the fight isn’t worth fighting. How can an outcome be a setback if it gave you something to learn? Manage emotion 2. “There will be a sting if you don’t get it, and the pain is often proportional to what you invested,” says Markman. It could be not getting a job, getting a bad score on a test or not getting that double platinum and high score that you were hoping for. Disappointment isn’t fun, but it’s a part of life. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective. Let’s say you went for an interview with Company A. You love the job scope, the benefits are great, and you have heard great things about the place. Look for positive activities to recharge yourself. Focus on your underlying desire, not your external projection, which is only one way of fulfilling your desire. Many of us tend to beat ourselves up when things go wrong. Moving Forward 1. Do you deal with disappointments with any of these methods? Some of these disappointments will not make much of a difference, but there are also disappointments that can change the course of our lives. "One way to cope with disappointment is by writing down our feelings," says Diana Raab, PhD, creativity expert and author of Healing with Words and Writing for Bliss. " You injured your leg. For this question in particular you need to show that yo can deal with disappointment and move on positively. In part 2, I talked about 3 destructive methods of dealing with disappointment which you should avoid. We tend to overestimate the intensity of negative feelings, like sadness, anger, and frustration, and we think we’re going to experience them longer than we actually do. Step 2: Attach yourself to your desire, not your goal. i personally deal with disappointment by understanding why the second party made the choices that let me down. I have the skills and experience to be up for consideration. This quote lets us know that while disappointment can be painful, there’s also an upside. Definitely don’t wallow in misery. All rights reserved. Talking to a counselor or therapist, like the licensed professionals at BetterHelp, is a good way to learn how to overcome bouts of serious disappointment. Copyright © Personal Excellence  |  Terms of Use  |  Privacy  |  Contact, a loving, authentic relationship with someone, How To Deal With Moments of Negative Self-Worth, My Experience with Disappointment and How I Overcame It, 10 Free Meditation Videos to Relax Your Mind, How To Stop Worrying About Things You Can’t Control, This Powerful Sculpture Shows the Inner Child In Us. Does this mean you should look for a new... 2. Accepting your feelings is the first step in feeling a bit better. Your disappointment is helping you move toward your goals, not away from your goals as you originally thought. 2020 has been a year of disappointments — often serious and grave ones — for so many people, from job losses to school closures to illness and death. Talking with my friends, on the other hand, helps me learn other perspectives which I may not be aware of. As the opening quote says, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” With this lesson, you walk away from this experience a better person. Their wisdom and empathy can help us deal with disappointment in our own lives, as these 12 inspirational quotes can attest: Disappointment is the nurse of wisdom.” – Sir Bayle Roche. This is another important part of dealing with disappointment. It is merely one of the many ways to fulfill your desire. However, you are passed over for another candidate whom they deem a better fit for the role. You feel that you have lost what could have been a great relationship. Perhaps you studied without understanding the subject. Perhaps you studied for the wrong chapters. You see a career at Company A as your dream career. It also prevents you from moving on. So, you might think of the pain as a good thing and allow yourself to grieve if things don’t go your way. We all feel this way from time to time. While you may feel disappointed, stop and think — What is your underlying intent? Here’s their advice. You might imagine what you’d wear to the first day of your new job, or think through who you’d call to share in the good news. When you are disappointed, your source of disappointment is rooted in your attachment to a certain outcome. Question how and when you developed these illusions. By Raghad Ebied We are all inevitably going to face moments of disappointment in our life : disappointments from work, family, friends, society, and even ourselves. Here are five ways to overcome chronic disappointment in relationships: 1. Your goal to work at Company A is merely an external projection of your inner desire to grow and challenge yourself to the fullest. Are there any goals you haven’t accomplished? Passive Responses to Disappointment If you respond passively to disappointment you are likely to give up what you were trying to achieve or become overly self critical about why you didn’t achieve it. If person A does not want to be with you for whatever reasons, he/she is not the person who can meet your desire for a loving relationship. Book proposals. Because when you do that, you fall into the trap of associating your existence with them. Even though the road to work at Company A is closed (for now). Because the ability to learn, move on, and try again using a different approach is the key to success. If anything, it’s natural for things to go wrong. I’ve never been more thankful for a new season of the Great British Baking Show. Here are the seven suggested steps for dealing with disappointment that will help you to turn your life around. Sometimes it doesn’t. Take a moment to sink in and let yourself feel the disappointment so that you can move on. As long as you are trapped in it, you can’t get to where you want to go. So how do you prepare yourself for what might be a large, perhaps even life-changing, disappointment? Wanting something really badly means that you care, and that’s a good thing. But you didn’t. You can’t prepay your pain. This perception is not the truth — it is simply your lens with which you see the world. What false perceptions am I clinging on to? There are also several research-backed ways that you can prepare yourself for a negative outcome. Instead, you may need to increase your input and/or change your approach to get the results you want. You are able to constructively channel into your inner desires to live the life you want. So if I don’t get this, I’ll keep trying, approach the problem in a different way, or do something a little bit different next time.”. But this is an illusion. … This is called “defensive pessimism.”, But if you’ve already done all that you can do to affect the outcome — perhaps the job interview is completed, you’ve made your case to a potential funder, or you’ve voted and made calls for your candidate — then agonizing doesn’t do you much good. Soak them in with your senses. We all have different expectations. What activities do you most enjoy doing in your life? Do something nice for yourself. I. There is also no reason to expect that everything will go perfectly. Trying to deny what you’re feeling and telling yourself to get over it can make you feel even worse. Here are 13 things that can signify that you might need to break up, as it's never fun to deal with chronic disappointment from anyone, especially a partner you care deeply about. Relationships you’re not being good at? How do you prepare yourself for what might be a large, perhaps even life-changing, disappointment? Identify them. The Causes of Disappointment. Be kind to yourself. Kinias suggests adopting Maya Angelou’s words from I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: “Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst, and unsurprised by anything in between.” In Kinias’ experience, successful leaders have the capacity to anticipate and plan for setbacks, but this tactic works best “when balanced with positivity and an ability to enjoy and experience the present moment, through optimism, mindfulness, and social support.” Being both planful and hopeful can improve wellbeing and make us more resilient if and when the worst-case scenario comes true. Here, your perception that studying hard = automatically getting an ‘A’ is false. Take some time out to practice mindfulness. Disappointment and how to deal with it It is inevitable, at some point in everybody’s life you will hear “no” or let yourself down. Building on the studying example above, say you did a lot of prep work for your exams. In the last part, I will share my story on how I overcame a period of disappointment in my life. They feel like they have taken a step back from what they want to be. Step 1: Recognition and awareness of the feelings of disappointment That’s why Markman says some of the best tactics to steel yourself while you wait involve distracting yourself. … Help a friend plan for a party or a meeting at work. Finally, do the best you can. People 5 Major Work Disappointments and How to Handle Them Are you in the midst of a major work disappointment? Perhaps you did not study the right way. You can't keep thinking that the... 3. from there, you can respond and deal with it in a manner that allows the second party to understand that they have disappointed you. I can recall many times in my life where I’ve been waiting for big news and was worried that things wouldn’t go my way. For the things that have gone wrong, do what you can to learn from the experience. When you share a disappointment you have experienced, make sure that you: Don’t just tell them you handled it well, show them how you did it. Whenever you experience disappointment, you are pulled down to a lower state of consciousness, where your thoughts are predominantly rooted in fear, sadness, grief, or apathy. Harvard Business Publishing is an affiliate of Harvard Business School. Understand what it is and write it down. Instead of sitting in your state indefinitely, once you have allowed yourself to acknowledge that you are in good company, start the process of reframing. As these thoughts arise, intentionally (and gently) let go of them, and simply allow yourself be without needing to do or get anything. There are the leaders who are anticipating the possibility of more layoffs, the small business owners who aren’t sure if they can survive another mandated closure, and the parents who aren’t sure how they will perform their jobs if schools can’t remain open. What should you do then? Dealing with disappointment requires you to let go of your mental illusions and expectations. Another way to look at it is to be without courage (dis-couraged). You become a stronger individual. Kinias points to self-affirmation techniques in which you reflect on your core values and how you carry them out, by being a good friend or participating in community service, that can “buffer resiliency in advance of disappointment.” She also suggests mindfulness practices where you focus on your breath: “breathing slowly and consciously, experiencing the inhale and exhale through simple guided mediation.” She explains that this helps “to release both negative emotion and attachment to sunk costs.” You can also reach out to people who share the same worry or who can provide help if and when you need it. Of course, this is rubbish. You start living past your disappointments, focus on the few things that have gone wrong, what... 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